Bigfoot In Scotland!

Yeti, Sasquach, Big Foot - Name him what you will, but he’s here, in the UK, in the remote hills of the Scottish Highlands.

Hot on the heels of the disclosure regarding DNA sequencing of several samples of hair retrieved in the Americas, and with startling results, we have news fresh in from the Sutherland Argus that the big hairy beast has been spotted on several occasions in the hills and forests around Lairg. 

Veterinary experts in the United States have concluded that hair samples provided by hunters, trappers, walkers and Big Foot enthusiasts are of non human and non ape origin. The evidence seems clear and conclusive and states that at some stage in the distant past a human/ape hybrid, born from an unholy union of man and beast, was created. This creature subsequently thrived, appearing to have successfully mated with ‘others’ and the spawn of this new union have made its way across continent and ocean to populate all four corners of the globe.

In the most recent (and a first for the UK) sighting, James Connel and Kirsty McLiesh witnessed ‘a great lumbering hulk of a creature, 8 feet tall or more and broad with it, walking up-right and with a sailors gait.’ It disappeared into the woodland near Charlies Cottage on the road to Wick. A week earlier ‘Old Man McKlintoch’, a Lairg character of some renown, pale and ashen from his experience, demanded a double Talisker at the bar of the Stags Head Inn before retelling this tale... ‘I was a making my ways uphill road yonder, afore nightfall, so as to be safe from the fiendish treachery of broken ground and ill paved street, when from a nowhere a huge shadow was a leering down at us! Afore I could turn an run fast, not so that I am ables now, it had swiped at me and I was a down on the dirt. I’ve no recall as to how long I was there, sleeping like a babe, but by the time I’d opened up them eyes, the beast was gone and it was a starlit night to be sure.’

I have visited Lairg and its environs on many an occasion having an interest in the locals and their habits and I am positive that with this tale, they are telling the truth. Furthermore, just a week past I was visiting and it was on that occasion that I managed to obtain the interviews in this report. At that visit, it was clear that something was amiss. In several gardens, it was reported (and I did witness in one) the finding of a mass of excretia, made up of half digested vegetable matter and small bone fragments. Imprints in the earth of large human-like feet, unshod, have been found across the region. 

I fear for the people of Sutherland as this creature, huge as it is, ought to be shy and retiring, shunning the company of man. But, it is not. It appears to have been emboldened by who knows what and its attack on McKlintoch, I fear, presages events most gruesome to come. God be with them.